My Regrets Are Not Few

If you ever asked me, "What are you thinking?" and I answered, "nothing", I was lying. I am always thinking about something. I know it is why I have a hard time falling asleep. When my oldest daughter, Hey, told me at age 4 that she couldn't shut off her brain, I sympathized. I know exactly how that feels. However, I couldn't relate to what the heck would keep her brain buzzing late into the night. What does a 3 year old think about that can keep them awake?

I guess that is the price one pays for having a busy analytical mind. Many times I think we struggle in our relationship because we are very much alike. I suspect that like me, she reviews her day, thinks about how she could have done things differently and what the next day could hold.

My 7 1/2 years old Hey.

We both are stubborn and willful.  My mother says I was a better behaved little girl, but I think that was from fear of my father. My children don't have that threat in their minds. Other than her explosiveness, I see many of Hey's behavior and think that is how I felt when I was young. I remember the hate I felt for my parents. If left unchecked, I know Hey would become as much of a procrastinator and perfectionist as I am today. One motto we have now in our home: "Only God is perfect." That motto has served my children well.

There are so many things to think about. I spend way to much time second guessing the things that I say or do. I purposely try and stay away from anything that I did before my marriage. The choices I made as a teenager were reckless and stupid. It is a wonder I am alive today, not even considering my congenital heart defect. I say, "Thank you God I got married when I was 23 years old." Otherwise my list of regrets might have been longer. Many times I wish there weren't other people involved in those experiences or character building events. I created way to much drama in my teen years.

I think it all started in 7th grade when I cleaned out a friends locker since she was out sick. I knew the combination to her locker and was going to be able to get her things to her. I found a notebook of correspondence between her and another friend. They had written to each other as if it were a diary. 1st mistake, I read it. 2nd mistake, I talked about it with, who I thought, was a trusted friend in our social circle. The trusted friend turned out to be a social piranha. She used the incident to create my demise in the social community of 7th grade. I was no longer part of the in crowd. In fact, nasty gossip started being spread about me. What was ironic was that the owner of the locker had forgiven me and was over it.

My poor choices only got worse as I started 8th grade and all my friends had changed. I was an honor roll student every quarter in 7th grade since it was a point of competition in my old social circle. In 8th grade I didn't care. My new group of friends didn't care either. We spent most of our time figuring out how to party like our older high school siblings.

Myself, 22 years old, with NASA before marriage.

I do know that my parents were smart in taking me out of that public school system and sending me to a private high school. I had to start over with new school friends and that made a big difference.

So why does this matter now? Well, I am the mother of two beautiful girls. As I said, my oldest, Hey, reminds me of myself in some ways. I realize she is only 7 1/2 years old, but all our interactions and her learning are cumulative. She is only 5 years away from when my world radically changed and my poor choices had residual effects. I don't want my daughters to have the emotional baggage I brought into my marriage.

I wonder, is there anything my Mom could have done to help? Is there some experience or conversation that would have helped me make better choices starting at the age of 13? What ground work do I need to do now that will keep my daughter from making poor choices? I spend a great deal of time examining my role in her life as her mother. I know I am over critical of my parenting, but I can't help it.  I have started to tell her how much I think about how I am her mother and what I could do better. I tell her when I am wrong or have made a mistake.

Wow, after reading this several times to edit it I realize what I need to change. It is to much about me! I need to change my focus. It needs to be all about God. I have to show my daughter how the Lord directs my life now. 

I believe I was on the path to where I am today. I just think that between the ages of 13 to 22, I took a huge detour. I believe if my faith was firmly grounded in God's Word much younger many of my regrets would not have occurred. Once I did start listening to the Lord He did miracles in my life. He has healed me in many ways, not just physically.

I can only hope that my talking to her and being honest will allow her to trust God and what He would have for her. As a family we talk about our values and faith. I pray that with all of that and sharing God's Word, once she is an adult, she will have few regrets.

Writing this was very helpful. The best thing I can do is continue to keep God in the center of my life. I now know that will be the best thing I can do for her and her sister.

"And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength. ⁶ And you must commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these commands that I am giving you today. ⁷ Repeat them again and again to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up." Deuteronomy 6:5-7


© 2012 www.obsessedanalyst.blogspot.com All Rights Reserved.

National Adoption Day is Close to My Heart

Today is National Adoption Day. It is a great day for the world to recognize the beauty of adoption. Adoption is the gift of bringing love into a life. Personally I don’t feel there is any better day to celebrate in the world than Adoption Day. It is all over Facebook. It is the best media method of spreading the message of the gift of adoption. 

We started our journey when we became foster parents in September of 2005. The adoption of our two gorgeous sibling daughters was final April 9, 2007. It has been an incredible journey in parenthood.

Hey and Myrrh's Adoption, April 9, 2005

Both girls come with their own needs and personalities. You can tell they are siblings because of their needs, but are also very unique in the joy they have for life. The food allergies and learning abilities clearly indicate they are siblings. It hasn’t been an easy path, which in perspective isn’t that far off than the challenges of many parents.  Children in general bring a whole new world to your view.

If it weren’t for my creative daughters I never would have started a craft blog. They have created so many firsts in my life. Hey and Myrrh have molded me into the person I am today. We truly are a family enriched by the experience of each other.



Myrrh on her 6th Birthday

Myrrh is my tender-heart animal obsessed child with a strange interest in the Weird, True and Freaky oddities of life.

 

Hey is my impulsive defensive hearted child who wants to know everything there is to know about life, but not necessarily direct from me.

Hey with her Halloween Bear.

Both are the ultimate gifts God has given me, well, other than offering me Salvation. I see how wonderfully and beautifully made God’s creation is all around us through learning with my children.

I knew God called me to serve Him through being a foster/adoptive parent when I was a teenager. He knew I needed the benefit of seeing His grace through the eyes of a child. I have been richly blessed only because He decided I was good enough. Despite my doubts, God decided I was to parent these girls. I have to remind myself daily that He chose me. It is an awesome responsibility. I pray each day that I am worthy of the journey.

 "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress…" James 1:27 (NIV)  

If you have a heart to assist in meeting the needs of children who don’t have the benefits of a forever family, you can check out information on The James Fund.

“There are many ways you can get involved: pray, give, mobilize your church, or adopt. Once you decide on the path that’s right for you, seek out organizations who offer guidance and support. Your journey will change you (and the orphan and the widow) forever.”



© 2012 www.obsessedanalyst.blogspot.com All Rights Reserved.

Listening to God - We Are Staying

My last post raised some good questions that I wanted to address.

After much prayer and reflection we know we are supposed to be here in Tucson now. We moved here for many reasons, most importantly because God wanted us here.  Our family has experienced such huge miracles and blessings that we try to work out all things for His glory. Oddly enough, we are confident we are in His will when others tell us we are crazy, shouldn't do something or it doesn't make sense to them.

It makes more sense to move where NASA can have a job. However, it isn't what God wants us to do right now.

Why don’t I return to work? It wouldn’t solve the issue of my husband needing to work. He is a goal oriented person with a work ethic making it hard for him to accept retirement at the age of 41. He is volunteering his time each week, but it isn’t enough for him. Plus, I have grown to enjoy being home and available to my children. Early on, we agreed that I was the one to stay home for the children. 

I have my own employment challenges too. I have a Masters degree and have been out of my field of human resources for 5 years. I would have to return to work full-time.  There are few and far between part-time positions in human resources. I would prefer not to choose work over my children.  Most human resources professionals do not want to supervise someone with 15 years of experience and degrees. I am over educated and lack recent work history.  I respect women who work or return to work after having children. It is a huge balancing act of work and family. I tried it in March of 2008, it wasn't for me. It stressed me out and I missed my girls. 

Then there is bringing the girls back to homeschooling. It was always the goal to make sure they got the attention and instruction they needed to be successful.

Having them in school has been a huge learning experience. I volunteer in their classrooms and see what outside education has done for children. There are second graders who struggle to read. Smart kids who when I sat and read with a small group, they didn't even know how to try and sound out the words. I could see their frustration. I know our local public school is not a long term strategy for us.

Our loan modification came through, finally. With the guidance of a HUD counselor we started the process back in February. In July the bank agreed to let us enter into a 6 month 'trail' modification period, resulting in a lower monthly payment. If we could successfully complete the trial period they would modify our loan. There were no terms for our modification laid out. We had no clue what the end result would be. Although we were only 2 months into our trial period, the bank sent us paperwork to permanently modify the loan. They offered us a lower interest rate. Instead of the 6.25% we were paying, it was modified down to 3.75%. All the terms remained the same, 25 years left on the loan and same remaining principle.  Essentially we got a refinance without any closing costs lowering our monthly payment to be more affordable. We closed this week on the modified loan.

We are selling all the excess things we have accumulated over the last 20 years. Using the money to fund some changes we want to make in the house.

The first big step to show our commitment to sticking it out here was selling all our moving boxes. We have started hanging pictures on the walls. Soon we will be replacing the flooring in our living room, building storage in the garage and putting the drapes/curtains up. We will make this our home again. It feels good and we know it is what is right now.

2 John 6 (NIV) And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in his love.

Soon we will address the best direction for our girls schooling. One thing at a time.

© 2012 www.obsessedanalyst.blogspot.com All Rights Reserved.

Will We Stay Or Will We Go?

Over the last few weeks I haven’t written. I am at a loss as to where to start, what direction to take my writing or attempt to sum up my emotions. There is so much going on, but yet nothing seems to be going anywhere.

There was a job here in Tucson for my husband, NASA, that seemed perfect. It seemed to line up with his analytical strengths and enjoyment of teaching. We both thought it would be the answer to prayer. He had two written contingent job offers if that specific company received the contract. A few days ago he found out that a company he was not connected to won the contract. The perfect job disappeared. We had put the job out there as a test to whether we should keep trying to stay in Arizona, or move on.

Then NASA got a call from the company who won the contract. They wanted to talk to him. They sent him an application to fill out. It looked like the job may come through after all.  Alas, it was not to be. The original candidate changed his mind and decided to take less money to stay in the job. This back and forth did not help our spirits.



My Hero, retired Captain NASA

NASA has been seeking employment since January. As of March 1^st he was officially retired from the U.S. Air Force. He has diligently applied to everything he is remotely qualified. He even tried the $12/hour manual labor route, got an interview, but can’t get hired because he is overqualified. He spent 20 years as one of the best weather forecasters protecting billions of dollars in military assets. He brought Google Earth to the weather field and taught them how to exploit its integration into forecasts. However, there isn’t much call for a meteorologist who doesn’t have math courses like calculus or higher as a part of his BS degree in Professional Aeronautics. A meteorologist who doesn’t know computer programming and doesn’t have the confidence or coordination to work in front of a green screen on television is limited too. The 2 weather technician jobs he applied for and interviewed for paid less than what the cost of living in the area would require, like San Diego.

We aren’t quite sure what to do. We have a rental home in Vegas that will be empty in November. Our housing costs would be $425/month less to live there and wait on the Lord.  

So, I just ask for your prayers that somehow our path will be made clear and God will open the door wide for us to step through and continue to be obedient to Him. Thanks.

Psalm 27:14 Wait for the Lord; Be strong, and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord.

There are many great articles to encourage us in our waiting, these two are favorites.

Waiting on the Lord. A study by J. Hampton Keathley, III

This one was sent to me by a friend, so I knew I needed it. The Faithfulness of God by Chuck Smith.

I drafted this post yesterday. Today I am posting it and wanted to share that we now have an answer. We are staying. The only thing that changed was our perspective. God works in interesting ways. I will explain another day.

© 2012 www.obsessedanalyst.blogspot.com All Rights Reserved.

Raising a Challenging Child

I have thought about this post for way to long. It is time to just get it out there. Many children, like my daughter Hey, with challenging behavior, can tell you all about the rules and why their behavior was inappropriate, but this knowledge doesn’t help them. My beautiful daughter was diagnosed at 3 yrs. old with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) as well as several developmental disorders issues and learning disabilities abilities. With professional help, we are still trying to figure out if Hey's behavior is still RAD related or something different.
Hey had a very hard start in this world when her biological parents were homeless, drug users and not emotionally able to handle a newborn. More than likely Hey has a problem with impulse control not only from inherited disabilities abilities, but also because of her prenatal exposure to drugs and alcohol, severe neglect, as well as damage to her frontal lobe, which controls inhibitions and judgment.

If you are interested in the difference in neurological development of traumatized children, Dr. Bruce Perry has done some great research and has published a great book, The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog: And Other Stories from a Child Psychiatrist's Notebook--What Traumatized Children Can Teach Us About Loss, Love, and Healing.



When we adopted Hey at 22 months old, we were told she seemed to be well bonded to us since she made great eye contact and was so well behaved in preschool. The problem is Hey’s behavior with us at home where she can relax and be herself. She shows no respect for our authority and always pushes to the limits. She overreacts to minor things and shows little to no reaction to what you may think is hurtful or traumatic. She is a drama queen most of the time.

As parents who strive to be the best, we have been trained and practice parenting models: 1, 2, 3 Magic and Love & Logic. Chances of it actually working go out the window most of the time, when you have a child with impulse control issues. When you can’t find the one thing to help her make better choices, it takes an incredible amount of patience. She has no toys in her room. Many times she decides that loosing privileges, things or going places are not as important as her being in control and getting what she wants.

Temper Tantrum of Challenging Child

How do you teach a child impulse control? I read a nice blog on how to practice self control in order for a young child to learn it. http://simple-gifts.blogspot.com/2010/04/helping-children-learn-impulse-control.html  It sounds great, but I think that is the best way to teach a somewhat regular child. Hey’s rage, aggression and outbursts are far from normal at home. The worst is after a day where she has been at school, hanging with friends or being out in public. She seems to be okay and holding it together, then when she is relaxed and comfortable, Hey lets it all out. The poor behavior and choices when exhausted can be common for many children, but I cannot stress the degree she takes it up to. Unless you live with a raging child, you don’t truly know. I have found the people who understand best are parents with RAD or autistic children. Interesting enough all of the developmental disorders issues and learning disabilities my daughter has are on the autism spectrum. Yet, she is not autistic. 

We are told to rehearse scenarios, practice difficult situations and predict triggers. It can be exhausting trying to figure out how to prevent the outbursts, temper tantrums, rage, and consequences of a bad decision. It doesn’t help when you are in public and Hey doesn’t realize other people can hear and see her.  People look at you as if you are the reason for your child’s poor behavior. I understand; I used to think the same thing before I had children. My mother and I were at a mall in Vegas once where I had to put Hey over my shoulder like a sack of potatoes to take her to the car to leave. We were a long walk from the car and at the age of 5 Hey was 50 inches tall and weighed more than 50 lbs. She was kicking, screaming, shouting about what a horrible person I was and other mean things kids say when they have been told ‘No’.  I think people thought I might be abducting her, but I kept saying out loud, “I said no, I am your mother and I love you no matter how bad you act.”

Then there are Hey’s trust issues. How do you get a child to trust you, especially when the child’s brain is wired to not trust and has impulse control issues? 

Hey doesn’t believe what I tell her. She tests whatever I say. For example, while looking at her Cinderella snow globe she asked me if it was water that allows the sparkles/glitter float in it. I told her, off the top of my head, it was probably some sort of water like liquid that probably had some chemical in it to suspend the particles in it better than just water alone. She asked if I was sure it wasn’t just water. I told her I was sure and since we can’t open it up to check I could google it to verify, but first I had to go to the bathroom. When I returned to the room the Cinderella snow globe was broken open on the carpet. She said it was an accident that it slipped and that indeed it was not just water because it did not taste or smell like water.

Hey being herself at home.

 She is like a teenager or adult with trust issues. She never can take your word for something. She has to check and verify. When I warned her to stay away from the hot curling iron, she touches it ‘by accident’. She has done that twice. She has burned her hand on the stove twice too. She has run into traffic as well. If I say “stop”, unless she can see the danger for herself, she won’t listen. This can be annoying in an adult (I do it myself sometimes), can you imagine it in a 7 year old?

After 16 sessions with her new therapist here in Tucson, her therapist asked me if she is always so condescending. I thought, “It took only 16 sessions to let her guard down, does that mean she is getting better?” 

This is the summer of discovering our children’s gifts and talents so that we know where to invest our time and effort for extracurricular activities for the school year. This past week Hey was in theater workshops for the week. She spent 4 hours each day learning how to be an actor in a live theater production. Clearly her ability to hold it together and knowing how to act in public is becoming her talent. She had her lines for the play memorized by the second day. She projected her voice during the performance like a real pro. She made some better choices when we told her attending her acting workshops each day were optional. We may have found the thing that has meaning to her. She may never be famous, but if it helps her channel her inner Drama Queen, I will do what we can to continue to foster her talent.

I am thankful for Hey being in our family. She has made me a better parent, learning that I need to trust other people more, stop being so selfish and still need to move away from serving my own self interest and instead serve others. I am reminded that God decided we were good enough to be Hey’s parents. He allowed us to adopt her into our family just as He adopted me, a greatly flawed individual, into His kingdom. I am humbled and reminded daily of the forgiveness God gives me for my sins. I can only hope and pray that Hey grows to trust God as she has taught us to trust Him.

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, ⁴ not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." Philippians 2:3-4

© 2012 www.obsessedanalyst.blogspot.com All Rights Reserved.

Adoption Day Everyday

Our oldest daughter’s birthday is in June, long after school is out for summer. In her classroom they get to celebrate each child’s birthday when the parent sends in a cake and/or surprises for the whole class. My daughter wanted so desperately to celebrate her birthday with her class. I suggested we celebrate her Adoption Day instead since that is in April. Well that day fell during Spring Break, the day after Easter this year. It didn’t get the fanfare she would have loved. We got busy with appointments and the things of life. She never forgot. Finally we went out to the dollar store and gathered some things for her classmates and got the cupcake liners. We made the cupcakes and it is all ready to go to school. Her adoption celebration with her classmates will be one month after the actual date. I thought I would give her this letter in her book bag to read. I wonder what she will think?

The Original Celebration - April 9, 2007

May 9, 2012

Dear Hey,

I may not have been there to hold you when you were first born, but I wanted to be. God was holding you for me. I may have missed your very first smile, but God saw it. I may have not been able to feed, clothe or comfort you when you needed it, but God brought you through the neglect to be with me. I would have loved to have kept you safe, but know that God did.

Now you are in our family. We received you into our home to feed, clothe and comfort you. I sang and rocked you to sleep. I wanted to hold you all the time. You wanted to explore the world. We watched you smile, walk and play. You came to our home as a foster child. We were a temporary family protecting you until your birth family could figure out what to do. Your birth parents saw how much we cared for you and could keep you safe. They let you go so that we could have you be in our family forever. I wanted to be your Mom. We chose you as our child to be adopted into our family. We chose to bring you along our journey of worshiping and honoring God with our family. I am grateful to God for giving me the privilege of being your Mom. Thank you for being our little girl. We adore you and will always love you as if we were there from the day you were born.

The world officially recognized our choice to adopt you and have you be a part of our family along with your sister on April 9, 2007. No matter what day it maybe today, I celebrate your adoption everyday you are safe with us. Every day is adoption day for us.

Love,

Your Mom

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them." Psalm 139:13-16 

© 2012 www.obsessedanalyst.blogspot.com All Rights Reserved.

Getting Connected Takes Time

First Day of School

After much thought, prayer and reflection, we have sent our oldest daughter, who will be 7 years old in June, back to school. She will not be homeschooled for the next 6 weeks. We found a small private Christian school here that follows the Carden Method of teaching which seems somewhat similar to the Charlotte Mason philosophy. As a 1st grade student, she started March 26, 2012 as one of 14 students in the kindergarten/1^st grade class. Next year she may go again where the class is an integrated class of 2^nd, 3^rd and 4^th grade students. I think it is a good way for her to be taught at her developmental stage, not based on her age. She can excel in her strengths and get the assistance she needs for her weaker areas. It sounds awesome in theory. We shall see how it is in practice. I think we are doing what is best for her now. So far, she loves going.
Our children have to learn to share, take turns, wait for what they want and realize that other people have needs and moods, too. We felt we were failing at providing those lessons homeschooling our oldest. This daughter of ours has some mental health issues and learning abilities that have made her a challenging child for me to parent, let alone teach. She needs structure, discipline, and role models to facilitate her learning. Our child can't expect always to have people around her who understand her or cater to her every wish.  She is beyond strong willed and like me in many ways. We seem experts at pushing each other’s buttons. She frustrates me and I frustrate her. She drains and depletes our energy as parents. Most of the time, it has little to do with homeschool. In Vegas, we had a babysitter who would come at least once a week and play and do crafts with the children while I did errands and shopping. This allowed me enough time to recharge. Now our daughter is watching too much television and doing too many video and computer games so that we can try to regroup and recharge.


When we lived in Vegas, we had a great support system that made life as parents of a challenging child manageable. She had friends she could model and I had friends that listened. We had resources that supported us as parents and homeschooling. There was a homeschool gymnastics program that was a reasonable cost. There was ballet, roller skating, ice skating, regular and consistent park days. There were field trips at least monthly, if not more. There were choices and plenty of times we could get out of the house to learn along with other students and parents. The homeschool community in Vegas is phenomenal. We didn’t realize how awesome it was until we came somewhere that is not as unified a community. There are individuals (like Elissa Wahl), churches and groups in Vegas that have made it their mission to reach out and support parents as homeschoolers. It was never easy teaching my oldest daughter as a parent, but she learned and I stayed sane. There was relative peace in the home.

There was no peace here.  Everything was becoming more and more of a struggle. Little to nothing was being accomplished. We were not functioning well as a family. We felt like failures as parents despite prayers and our best effort. Adding schooling onto being responsible and loving parents was not happening. Even with my husband being home and available to assist in anything we needed, it hadn’t gotten any better. In fact, I think it got worse.  We barely could get through a dinner devotion. 14 hours a day of trying to be patient, calm and collected while our child of chaos raged about us became too much. Tensions were high and the explosions were the only consistent things. If we didn’t have therapy (PT and psychotherapy) twice a week, I think I would be in a straight jacket.


It really isn’t about schooling so much as it is that we want to be better parents all around. We feel we cannot be the loving role models and parents our children need 24/7 with little to no breaks. Our energy was drained and depleted after just a few hours each day. Now with her being away at school we are only dealing with 4-5 hours of some chaotic behavior during the week. It has been refreshing. I deeply admire those parents who live with children with autism and other abilities. We are still trying to figure out how to do it all. We hope to be ‘good enough’ parents, helping each of our children to fully develop into the person God intended them to be.


I am still homeschooling my youngest, a kindergartner. I will be able to reach out to more homeschoolers and friends over the coming months to establish the support system we need. I'm learning again that it takes time to establish relationships in a community and having our daughter in a good school for now really helps. 

Let Me Get Real - A Weighty Issue

I originally wrote a majority of this message back in November 2011. I didn't post it then because I was scared I couldn't stay the course, but I did.  So here it is with updates.

This past weekend our Pastor at Canyon Ridge, Kevin Odor, went over discipline. Interesting thing is that Pastor Kevin decided to use the metaphor of losing weight to discuss discipline with money.  Oh how I need to hear the message and live it.
 

As you may have read, God healed the hole in my heart after an amazing worship concert with Michael W. Smith at Canyon Ridge. What an awesome blessing this church was in our lives while we were in Las Vegas. We will miss the role it has played in our spiritual growth, but are assured that God will continue to bless us at our next church, Pantano Christian in Tucson, Arizona.

Anywho, back on the subject of weight loss. With the hole in my heart healed I have to focus on getting the rest of my body on the road to healing too.  Despite God’s mighty work with my heart, I am still addicted to food.  I know in my heart that I need to eat less and exercise more. As many of you know, it is easy to say, very difficult to do. 

“He will die for lack of discipline, led astray by his own great folly.”Proverbs 5:23

I have started my committed journey today, the day after my recovery from a stomach ailment. It is a great jump start since I spent 1 complete day not eating and lost 3 lbs. Of course it wasn’t the best way to start, but you have to start somewhere.  Now I have to figure out how to stick to making better choices. I know what I have to do, but dang, it is a minute by minute struggle. Geez, I almost wish I was addicted to some drug or alcohol that could easily be removed from my home. You can’t stop eating. It doesn’t work for very long. I have gallbladder disease too with at least 1 large gallstones of 2 cm. If I let myself get to hungry or eat to much fat my gallbladder lets me know.  This requires that I eat snacks and low fat meals. That part is easy, it is keeping all the calories from all those meals and snacks below what I need to lose weight.

One of my biggest obstacles to losing weight is the psychology of it all.  I don’t perceive myself as fat until visually presented with it by pictures or by the size of my pants. Although this may sound odd, I do not see my huge self in the mirror.  I didn’t become obese until I was an adult. I didn’t struggle with my weight until my twenties. I graduated high school at 125 lbs. I was 115 lbs. when I met my husband. I then rapidly gained over 50 lbs. over 1 winter in Watertown, NY after being on Norplant (implanted birth control) and experiencing cabin fever due to over 390 inches of snow in one season. I later learned I suffer from Seasonal Affect Disorder. The rest of the weight gradually crept on year after year of inactivity and overeating.

Myself and My Mom in Feb. 2011

My immediate family is obese. My father, 5’ 8” tall, died at the age of 56 over 300 lbs. My brother, 5’ 8” tall, at the age of 42 died weighing at least 400 lbs. My Mom, 5’5” tall, is morbidly obese too. My worst weight, being 5’6” tall, at one time was 258 lbs. really, not over or under exaggerating. It is all about the truth and taking off the masks. I have learned that from Mandisa, a great inspiration to me.

“Buy the truth and do not sell it: get wisdom, discipline and understanding.” Proverbs 23:23

I have so many excuses it is ridiculous. Since birth I became physically ill when I exerted myself. I spent 33 years with a gaping hole in my heart that made me very ill whenever I did aerobic exercise. Can you imagine the obstacle that presents the mind. I still dream and see myself as the healthy weight I was as a young adult. I have spent decades swallowing my emotions. I have a mental illness that requires I take medications, one of which results in weight gain.  I spend hours sitting in front of a computer. I am home most hours of the day homeschooling my two daughters. I suspect one of our daughters has food neophobia so I have to keep some of the few foods (bread, cereal bars, crackers, cheese, peanut butter, and cereal) she will eat in the house. Foods that I like to overeat.

“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” Hebrews 12:11

Although moving was stressful and we haven’t fully settled in, I didn’t gain any weight. This is the first move in 15 years where I didn’t gain weight.  I am down 1 pant size and that helps motivate me.  I have a few new wardrobe items left over from lighter days. Not as many as I like, but enough to not have to constantly wear baggy things.

My Mom lost weight this summer and showed up this winter weighing 40 lbs. less. At 70 years old, if she can do it, I best get off my ass and move. I have to confess that with her being within 20 lbs. of me, I have added motivation. Oh, yes, I got Momma Drama issues.

I am looking at some aspects of the 12 step programs, praying constantly and doing a bible study. I am doing some yoga, not enough, and trying not to spend as much time sitting. I still cannot walk much due to back and feet issues, but I do run up and down the stairs here at home. My own really short interval training.

So glad that I kept this blog write up from November and can post it knowing I have made progress. I will continue on this journey to healthy choices. I’d appreciate your prayers, thanks.

Is There a Miracle Move in the Works?

Oh wow, is my procrastination catching up with me now.  We are 6 days away from the movers coming to pack our things in boxes.  I have a refrigerator full of food, mail I haven’t opened, and addresses I haven’t changed. I still have loads of laundry to do before I even attempt to pack our suitcases. I feel a bit queasy thinking about it, or that could be my gallbladder acting up again. There is probably going to be another break in the blogs for a bit until we get settled again.

I wonder, with the miracle of my holy heart being healed do I deserve peace in other aspects of my life. Well, of course I deserve nothing, but do I have the right to ask for something? I mean really having the hole in my heart close is pretty spectacular. Besides my absolutely beautiful daughters that God is allowing us to parent, I’m not sure what else I could really ask for. Peace on this Earth would be cool.

However, I am experiencing some severe turmoil. I am not resting on the Lord. I hate this feeling of not being prepared. Every moment I spend sitting at the computer, reading, shopping, or watching one TV show, I am beating myself up about not sorting through things or organizing things for the move. I also spend too much time thinking about things that don’t matter at the time. Does God have a limited amount of miracles he gives out per person, per family? Why some people and not others?

I am surprised that I have the “Why me?” question for my healing. With all my accidents, misdiagnosis, mental and physical health issues, I never said, “why me.” I was always of the thought, “why not me?” I have a trust and faith in God that carries me through the trying times. For the most part I am a positive person with a good ability to put on a good face (mask). I trusted He knew what He was doing and eventually it would get better. Now that God has healed the hole in my heart I now wonder, “Why me?” There are so many people with cancers, severe pain and anguish that I think would be so more deserving. The men, women and children who do not have any resources or support, why not them? 

What really perplexes me now is how can I ever ask God again for anything? I am having a hard time preparing myself for this move from Vegas to Tucson. How will we bring in income? How will we pay the bills? Will I get my act together quickly enough in Tucson to be able to get Christmas decorations up before Christmas? Will I be able to get my girls the #1 gifts on their Christmas lists despite them being out of stock all over the country? Does it really matter?

I have been avoiding some really necessary tasks. I keep telling myself to cast my cares upon the Lord. I just know that I am not doing that as much as I could. I don’t doubt that I still need Him. Deep breaths…. I just don’t know if it is fair of me to ask, like God has some finite amount of help He hands out. How absurd is that!  Well, I never said it was rational thoughts that I have, random yes, rational, only sometimes. Actually I have obsessive thoughts, analyzing different angles sometimes missing the most obvious. I don't need a miracle to move, just some peace and grace.

In the midst of my philosophical musings, I need to get moving. I will go conquer the laundry. The movers will come even if I am not ready. They will pack dirty clothes, but I have an issues with that so off I go.

God's Amazing Healing Power, REALLY!

It has taken me awhile to write out my complete miracle story, being concise doesn’t come easily for me. I could write a whole book on my life, but I’m not sure anyone would want to read it. Instead I will try to summarize it for this blog. There are many miracles I have experienced in my life. I only have listed some highlights before going over the big miracle.

·        No broken bones or death despite falling off a horse and getting amnesia, being hit by a car while on a bicycle, and several bad car accidents.

·        A simple faith in God that prevented me from following through on suicide despite a serious undiagnosed, at the time, mental illness.

·        Survived many episodes of self medication with excessive drug and alcohol usage. Also, I avoided any accidents or consequences of my DUI. I only became addicted to food, not anything illegal or alcohol despite years of abuse.

·        Receiving Jesus and accepting Him into my heart after fully understanding the salvation plan.  

·        Adopting two beautiful baby girls that share the same biological parents from the foster care system.

·        Surviving 3 major surgeries despite severe allergic reactions to general anesthesia and pain medications.

·        Living to the age of 33 despite a serious congenital heart defect, sinus venosus atrial septal defect (hole between upper chambers of the heart and a vein going in the wrong direction). The hole was > 2.7 cm, slightly larger than a quarter and my heart had enlarged 5 times the normal size of a heart to compensate.

·        After 10 years of complaints to doctors, finally finding one who listened to my symptoms and didn’t explain them away as suffering from obesity or a properly medicated mental illness.

Now I come to the awesome miracle of my latest healing. Please indulge me while I give some history I don’t think I covered my previous blog post.

In 2008, six years after my corrective heart surgery, I had some fatigue. After a transesophageal echocardiogram (TEE), a cardiologist discovered that the hole in my heart had opened. The cells in our bodies have a memory. Mine clearly were duplicating what they had known for 33 years. However, the hole was < .5 cm, smaller than a pencil eraser. My pressure, saturation and oxygenation levels were well within normal.  Many people can live to old age while having a tiny hole in their heart, no worries. In 2010, the hole got bigger. For the most up to date history about the hole in my heart you might want to read about My Almost a Clear Bill of Health for My Holy Heart. 

I had a cardiac MRI done October 24, 2011 at UCLA. I have my official written out results, confirmation of my healing. THE HOLE IS GONE! My MRI shows there is no flow or evidence for right to left shunt. My pulmonary venous connections appear normal. Here is some great medical jargon. There are: No interatrial or interventricular septal discontinuity. No pericardial effusion. Both ventricles show normal contractility throughout with normal myocardial systolic thickening. No focal mural thinning or regional hypokinesia. No delayed myocardial enhancement to suggest myocardial scar or inflammation. The aortic valve is trileaflet with normal opening and coaption, no evidence for dephasing jet. After all that mumbo jumbo, trust me, the report says the hole is gone. Alleluia! It is confirmation of the Lords miracle. “O Lord my God, I cried out to You, and You have healed me.” Psalm 30:2

While the doctor went over the results I was thinking of the questions that I had for him. One of which was, “Can I do aerobic exercise now?” The interesting result from the MRI is that from a cardiac standpoint I am healthy and can resume aerobic exercise. However, to get a complete answer to that question, I have to follow up with my primary care physician. It seems that through incidental imaging of the upper abdomen, it demonstrates Cholelithiasis without evidence for biliary obstruction, but at least two gallbladder calculi, the larger measuring 2.0 cm diameter. There are also mild intervertebral disc bulges at T8-T9 and T9-T10 level, as well as, at T12 level, well defined 1 cm rounded cystic structure within the spinal cord. A well-defined high signal structure apparently invaginating the spinal cord at T12 level, with otherwise normal appearances of the cord - although SSFP sequences not optimal for evaluation -, and some lower thoracic disc bulging noted.

I find it amusing that I thought it maybe my heart that would prevent me from doing aerobic exercise, but instead it is my back. Although I don’t accept that it is an excuse. I know there are plenty of people with back problems that exercise successfully for weight loss. I just have to get my doctor to clear me despite what my back may indicate. Now my getting into the doctor before I move maybe the issue since he is so popular in the military community. Maybe there is another miracle waiting for me!

Career moves

Today you get another perspective on our decision to move back to Tucson. This is in my husband's words, an answer to a family members concern about his quick retirement decision.

“Thanks for your advice. I have already officially applied for retirement. To put you at ease, this was not a snap decision from emotion but one of thought, prayer, and Christian counsel from fellow retired officers, and of course with Leslie. Also, it is not really half pay but more like 1/3 pay. And, yes it is a down economy but that does not limit God. He owns the cattle on a thousand hills. And quite frankly, I am excited for the first time in many years. This opens many opportunities to more fully let God work in our lives. I have so many options that it is difficult to choose.

I can go back to school get a second master's degree in Ranglend Management at the U of A for free and get a housing stipend plus my retirement with the GI Bill. I can get another job in weather, not what I desire, but a possibility. I can go into ministry as an assistant pastor with my current masters. I can join the Guard or Reserves. I can start a home based business or a real bricks and mortar one like a U-Swirl franchise. I can stay at home and home school my children.

Public school is absolutely never an option in any way what so ever. Our young children should not be left for a majority of their daily lives having their faith and ours assaulted. There are statistics after statistics to support our decision that public school is not an option. It is a whole different discussion left for a different time. If interested check out: www.exploringhomeschooling.com

I can be a college professor at the bachelor's level teaching meteorology 101. The list kind of goes on. But, the main point is I now have multiple choices. The down economy will make a challenge but it is not insurmountable. I refuse to let the government be my crutch. In the grand scheme of things, my career is over. The military will not provide the growth I want and only more separation from my family. I have served faithfully for 20 years, put service before self, and now it is time to say thank you and look forward to the next stage of life before the Gov sucks the life out of me. God led me into the military and I feel now He is leading me out.

Leslie could go back to work. I am not worried about finances God will work them through. But, I do want to get the Tucson albatross off the neck and get that taken care of instead of kicking the proverbial can down the road. We will still get health services as good as they are mostly from my experience they have been great as long as you are healthy and don't need care. Getting a renter $800 to $1000 a month below our mortgage is not a viable option. We have to get a principle reduction, short sale, or significant interest reduction. And unfortunately, our current system and who broke the system in the first place makes us liable to be sued as investors (rental property) but as home owners with a significant reduction in salary we "qualify" to get some relief. Further, they can't hold my clearance over my head that would be non-relevant at that time. Bottom line, thanks for the advice but the retirement is in motion. Leslie and I have a peace about it and look forward to what God has in store.

And yes, it is awesome that Leslie will not need open heart surgery any time soon. The hole is negligible, it is her tricupid valve that is not working properly due to the years of her enlarged heart. She has tricuspid regurgitation that she is dealing with. It causes her exhaustion, edema, etc... Keep us up in prayer for guidance. I am good with our decision and look forward to it."

I Survived the Tube!

Image Source

I'm back from my second trip to UCLA. Yes, I had my cardiac MRI done. Having an MRI is fascinating. Actually I had a Magnetic Resonance Angiography since they gave me a contrast agent to show my heart and blood flow. They shot some magnetic material (gadolinium)  into me to take a series of images while I was laying in a tube like tunnel. If you are claustrophobic, it might be quite challenging. There isn't much room and you can't see out. The machine does all kinds of things that cause it to make really loud noises. You have to have headphones on to not only protect your hearing, but also to hear the instructions from the technician running the machine. The really cool thing was that I brought my iPod and they plugged it into their sound system so I could hear my own music in the headphones. The music would then cut out anytime the tech talked to me. She gave my breathing instructions just like when you get a chest x-ray. However, I sat in what I will call the tube for about 1 1/2 hours. During that whole time she intermittently tells me when to get ready to hold my breath while she catches images. The hardest part of being in the tube is lying down on the table in it for such a long time. Other than a pillow for my head and a pillow under my knees, it is a hard surface table.  Between her breathing instructions I was able to shift my legs a bit, cross and uncross my feet, wiggle my fingers and toes, and stretch some. I just wasn't allowed to move my torso or it would make the images blurry. She gave me positive reinforcement telling me what a great job I was doing being still and holding my breath for sometimes 20 or 30 seconds. Really it wasn't that hard, but I guess since it goes on over an hour you want to encourage people. It can take up to 2 days for the doctor to get a chance to review the results so we shall see. I know it went well though.
I'll get back to you about the other aspects of my trip to Los Angeles, the same day President Obama was there AND that it rained for the second time that month. The same times I was there. Trust me it's gonna be good.

Thank You, But We Are Done.

Today we got confirmation that my husband’s request for retirement was accepted. I say 'we' because when your husband enters the military the whole family does too. We have spent 20 years serving this country. We spent 10 years as an enlisted family and 10 years as an officer’s family. Due to deployments, assignments and a remote tour, we spent 6 years of our first 10 living in the same place. We have lived only the last 6 years as parents. Over the 20 years we have lived in 17 different homes, apartments, and/or condos, only 5 of which we owned. We still own 2. It has brought us places we never would have chosen, introduced us to great people, created little families of friends around the world, shaped our characters like nothing else could and made us very reliant and dependent on our faith and relationship with God.
The Lord led my husband into the military and we feel He has led us out as well. It wasn’t something we contemplated for months. It really took us by surprise. I always thought we would have plenty of time to decide and process this major life event.

We own a home in Tucson, Arizona. We have rented it out since we left. Our ideal tenant is leaving this month. We started considering if we wanted to hire a property management company and what our long term goals were with our home in Tucson. This brought up the direction of his career and our future with the military. We had been in Vegas for two years and as an Officer that makes you eligible to be moved. He just got his line number for his promotion to Major. His field in the Air Force is small so he knows who to talk to about where he stands. He had been told he was on the Top Ten List for his field and rank of officers to be deployed. We had a fairly good idea about where his next choice for career opportunity was going to be on the East Coast. We took a look at what our goals are and what we want to be doing in 5, 10 and 15 years. Most importantly we sought the counsel of some Christian men who have retired from the military and we prayed.

It was literally just days later my husband was submitting his request to retire.  We didn’t want our home in Tucson to sit empty for long, so he requested a waiver to expedite the process. It can take the government 4-6 weeks to let you know your request has been approved.

Alert, the answer to "when" is coming.
It took only 2 weeks to get his official retirement date of March 1, 2012. He has 80 days of leave/vacation built up that we have to use. So that brings his last day of actual work to the first full week in December.
Did you get your answer? Pick a day near or around December 9, 2011 and you got it.

Yes, we are going to move in less than 6 weeks so our home can be rented out as soon as possible.  We just closed on the refinance of our Vegas home, 3.75% fixed interest rate making our monthly mortgage payment $230 less per month. We can rent out our Vegas home at fair market value, pay a property manager and landscape company while still clearing a little bit to save for repairs. It may actually turn out to be a true investment property.

The only reason we could justify staying in longer, past our 20 years, would be for the safety and security it provides us financially. We are a family of Christian faith so that did not make sense. Our safety and security is in God.

Sure, we move back with only the certainty of 38% of our normal annual income, but we will be a family who now has time to spend together. We will no longer have to adapt and support my husband’s job with the military. We will be free to choose.

We will move back to our Tucson home with the whole house air filtration system (our allergies should be so much better), whole house water filtration system and solar hot water heater. We will start another chapter in our lives. We are not the same family that left Tucson and we have definitely benefited from our Vegas experience. A whole new world of opportunities is open to us. As freaked out as I am about the quick change, I am excited too.

²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear…….³³ But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:25-34

Oh, I still have to get to California for my appointment Monday at UCLA for my cardiac MRI. Life moves very fast around here. Blink and you might miss it.

Almost a Clear Bill of Health for My Holy Heart

I'm still trying to get over my lost post. As far as our trip to Los Angeles for me to go to UCLA, it worked out well. I had some test done, met with the doctor and learned what I already suspected. Yes, Praise God, my holy heart is healed! The doctor said after reviewing my cardiac catheterization test, which he received first, he was a bit confused as to why I was referred to him.
It was all in the timing of how he received and saw test results. He said, other than some tricuspid regurgitation, my heart is fine. There is no measurable hole. A few days later he received and was able to review my transesophageal echocardiogram (TEE). He said that with the TEE test results it would appear the hole was there and causing issues.

My TEE was done one month before my cardiac cath. That one month, a key event and special moment was critical. Hundreds of people started praying after we told everyone about my TEE results. After my TEE it seemed pretty evident that I was facing open heart surgery again. Due to all my allergies with general anesthesia and pain medication, I was looking at my possible death and/or extreme pain.

On March 28th, I had the opportunity to attend a Michael W. Smith concert. I spent a great deal of time worshipping the Lord during that concert. Afterwards I got some quiet time in my car waiting for traffic to clear out of the parking lot. In those still quiet moments of reflecting on how moved I was by the concert, I swear to you I heared an audible voice say to me, "You have never asked Me to heal you, so ask Me."  I was shocked, amazed and cried out, "Oh My God, you are so right, I never have." I always trusted that God was with me through everything and that His hand had been with the surgeon in 2002 and other professionals through out the process.  I never asked for a healing. Even after the surgery when they were trying to find something to give me for the pain that I wasn't allergic to, when I cried out in severe pain, I cried, "Jesus, please take me home now, kill me and take the pain away." In that time of excruciating pain I never said, "Please heal me, Jesus."

It wasn't until that moment in my vehicle with His presence there that I realized I should and could ask for a healing. I thought healings were for other people. I'm not in pain so why would I ask for God to heal the hole in my heart?  I finally accepted that I was able to ask and receive His healing. I said, "Lord, clearly I wasn't listening, forgive me my ignorance, and YES, please heal my holy heart." 

The next morning after the concert was my cardiac cath test. The test that contradicted my TEE results.  The test that the UCLA doctor saw first. The results that confused my local cardiologist and led him to refer me for a 2nd opinion. The test results that the UCLA doctor cannot reconcile with my TEE results.

Monday, October 3rd I had a cardiac stress test at UCLA. I ran on a treadmill while hooked up to all kinds of wires. I raised my heart rate to 170 without having any cardiac distress and did pretty darn good according to the UCLA staff and cardiologist. My oxygen levels stayed healthy too. So when I met with the UCLA cardiologist he said that the hole, if there is one, doesn't seem to be presenting any issues. It is only because I have tricuspid regurgitation that my numbers are not exactly 100%, but are within the normal range. Due to the enlargement of my heart after 32 years with a hole, my tricuspid valve is stretched and flappy. It just isn't closing sufficiently to control the flow of blood. So instead of a holy heart, I now have a flappy valve heart. It has a cool swoosh rhythm to it too. Depending on the stress I place on my heart may effect the symptoms I see and feel.  He is having me get a cardiac MRI just to confirm his diagnosis about the hole and valve as well as not releasing me to do any aerobic exercise until after the MRI. Unless the MRI test results are abnormal, he said I have plain old tricuspid regurgitation and I will feel better if I just "Loose some weight, eat healthy, and exercise." He clarified with, "Well with the exercise just wait until after you hear from me about the MRI,"

So, I am scheduled to get my MRI on Monday, Oct. 24. I am looking forward to having this whole process over and done. I am excited to be able to return to walking with some running mixed in there soon. I will be a walking miracle! I am going to look to see if there is a 5k I can sign up and do for Spring 2012 in Tucson, Arizona. Oh, that will be another blog for another day.