National Adoption Day is Close to My Heart

Today is National Adoption Day. It is a great day for the world to recognize the beauty of adoption. Adoption is the gift of bringing love into a life. Personally I don’t feel there is any better day to celebrate in the world than Adoption Day. It is all over Facebook. It is the best media method of spreading the message of the gift of adoption. 

We started our journey when we became foster parents in September of 2005. The adoption of our two gorgeous sibling daughters was final April 9, 2007. It has been an incredible journey in parenthood.

Hey and Myrrh's Adoption, April 9, 2005

Both girls come with their own needs and personalities. You can tell they are siblings because of their needs, but are also very unique in the joy they have for life. The food allergies and learning abilities clearly indicate they are siblings. It hasn’t been an easy path, which in perspective isn’t that far off than the challenges of many parents.  Children in general bring a whole new world to your view.

If it weren’t for my creative daughters I never would have started a craft blog. They have created so many firsts in my life. Hey and Myrrh have molded me into the person I am today. We truly are a family enriched by the experience of each other.



Myrrh on her 6th Birthday

Myrrh is my tender-heart animal obsessed child with a strange interest in the Weird, True and Freaky oddities of life.

 

Hey is my impulsive defensive hearted child who wants to know everything there is to know about life, but not necessarily direct from me.

Hey with her Halloween Bear.

Both are the ultimate gifts God has given me, well, other than offering me Salvation. I see how wonderfully and beautifully made God’s creation is all around us through learning with my children.

I knew God called me to serve Him through being a foster/adoptive parent when I was a teenager. He knew I needed the benefit of seeing His grace through the eyes of a child. I have been richly blessed only because He decided I was good enough. Despite my doubts, God decided I was to parent these girls. I have to remind myself daily that He chose me. It is an awesome responsibility. I pray each day that I am worthy of the journey.

 "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress…" James 1:27 (NIV)  

If you have a heart to assist in meeting the needs of children who don’t have the benefits of a forever family, you can check out information on The James Fund.

“There are many ways you can get involved: pray, give, mobilize your church, or adopt. Once you decide on the path that’s right for you, seek out organizations who offer guidance and support. Your journey will change you (and the orphan and the widow) forever.”



© 2012 www.obsessedanalyst.blogspot.com All Rights Reserved.

Raising a Challenging Child

I have thought about this post for way to long. It is time to just get it out there. Many children, like my daughter Hey, with challenging behavior, can tell you all about the rules and why their behavior was inappropriate, but this knowledge doesn’t help them. My beautiful daughter was diagnosed at 3 yrs. old with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) as well as several developmental disorders issues and learning disabilities abilities. With professional help, we are still trying to figure out if Hey's behavior is still RAD related or something different.
Hey had a very hard start in this world when her biological parents were homeless, drug users and not emotionally able to handle a newborn. More than likely Hey has a problem with impulse control not only from inherited disabilities abilities, but also because of her prenatal exposure to drugs and alcohol, severe neglect, as well as damage to her frontal lobe, which controls inhibitions and judgment.

If you are interested in the difference in neurological development of traumatized children, Dr. Bruce Perry has done some great research and has published a great book, The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog: And Other Stories from a Child Psychiatrist's Notebook--What Traumatized Children Can Teach Us About Loss, Love, and Healing.



When we adopted Hey at 22 months old, we were told she seemed to be well bonded to us since she made great eye contact and was so well behaved in preschool. The problem is Hey’s behavior with us at home where she can relax and be herself. She shows no respect for our authority and always pushes to the limits. She overreacts to minor things and shows little to no reaction to what you may think is hurtful or traumatic. She is a drama queen most of the time.

As parents who strive to be the best, we have been trained and practice parenting models: 1, 2, 3 Magic and Love & Logic. Chances of it actually working go out the window most of the time, when you have a child with impulse control issues. When you can’t find the one thing to help her make better choices, it takes an incredible amount of patience. She has no toys in her room. Many times she decides that loosing privileges, things or going places are not as important as her being in control and getting what she wants.

Temper Tantrum of Challenging Child

How do you teach a child impulse control? I read a nice blog on how to practice self control in order for a young child to learn it. http://simple-gifts.blogspot.com/2010/04/helping-children-learn-impulse-control.html  It sounds great, but I think that is the best way to teach a somewhat regular child. Hey’s rage, aggression and outbursts are far from normal at home. The worst is after a day where she has been at school, hanging with friends or being out in public. She seems to be okay and holding it together, then when she is relaxed and comfortable, Hey lets it all out. The poor behavior and choices when exhausted can be common for many children, but I cannot stress the degree she takes it up to. Unless you live with a raging child, you don’t truly know. I have found the people who understand best are parents with RAD or autistic children. Interesting enough all of the developmental disorders issues and learning disabilities my daughter has are on the autism spectrum. Yet, she is not autistic. 

We are told to rehearse scenarios, practice difficult situations and predict triggers. It can be exhausting trying to figure out how to prevent the outbursts, temper tantrums, rage, and consequences of a bad decision. It doesn’t help when you are in public and Hey doesn’t realize other people can hear and see her.  People look at you as if you are the reason for your child’s poor behavior. I understand; I used to think the same thing before I had children. My mother and I were at a mall in Vegas once where I had to put Hey over my shoulder like a sack of potatoes to take her to the car to leave. We were a long walk from the car and at the age of 5 Hey was 50 inches tall and weighed more than 50 lbs. She was kicking, screaming, shouting about what a horrible person I was and other mean things kids say when they have been told ‘No’.  I think people thought I might be abducting her, but I kept saying out loud, “I said no, I am your mother and I love you no matter how bad you act.”

Then there are Hey’s trust issues. How do you get a child to trust you, especially when the child’s brain is wired to not trust and has impulse control issues? 

Hey doesn’t believe what I tell her. She tests whatever I say. For example, while looking at her Cinderella snow globe she asked me if it was water that allows the sparkles/glitter float in it. I told her, off the top of my head, it was probably some sort of water like liquid that probably had some chemical in it to suspend the particles in it better than just water alone. She asked if I was sure it wasn’t just water. I told her I was sure and since we can’t open it up to check I could google it to verify, but first I had to go to the bathroom. When I returned to the room the Cinderella snow globe was broken open on the carpet. She said it was an accident that it slipped and that indeed it was not just water because it did not taste or smell like water.

Hey being herself at home.

 She is like a teenager or adult with trust issues. She never can take your word for something. She has to check and verify. When I warned her to stay away from the hot curling iron, she touches it ‘by accident’. She has done that twice. She has burned her hand on the stove twice too. She has run into traffic as well. If I say “stop”, unless she can see the danger for herself, she won’t listen. This can be annoying in an adult (I do it myself sometimes), can you imagine it in a 7 year old?

After 16 sessions with her new therapist here in Tucson, her therapist asked me if she is always so condescending. I thought, “It took only 16 sessions to let her guard down, does that mean she is getting better?” 

This is the summer of discovering our children’s gifts and talents so that we know where to invest our time and effort for extracurricular activities for the school year. This past week Hey was in theater workshops for the week. She spent 4 hours each day learning how to be an actor in a live theater production. Clearly her ability to hold it together and knowing how to act in public is becoming her talent. She had her lines for the play memorized by the second day. She projected her voice during the performance like a real pro. She made some better choices when we told her attending her acting workshops each day were optional. We may have found the thing that has meaning to her. She may never be famous, but if it helps her channel her inner Drama Queen, I will do what we can to continue to foster her talent.

I am thankful for Hey being in our family. She has made me a better parent, learning that I need to trust other people more, stop being so selfish and still need to move away from serving my own self interest and instead serve others. I am reminded that God decided we were good enough to be Hey’s parents. He allowed us to adopt her into our family just as He adopted me, a greatly flawed individual, into His kingdom. I am humbled and reminded daily of the forgiveness God gives me for my sins. I can only hope and pray that Hey grows to trust God as she has taught us to trust Him.

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, ⁴ not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." Philippians 2:3-4

© 2012 www.obsessedanalyst.blogspot.com All Rights Reserved.

Adoption Day Everyday

Our oldest daughter’s birthday is in June, long after school is out for summer. In her classroom they get to celebrate each child’s birthday when the parent sends in a cake and/or surprises for the whole class. My daughter wanted so desperately to celebrate her birthday with her class. I suggested we celebrate her Adoption Day instead since that is in April. Well that day fell during Spring Break, the day after Easter this year. It didn’t get the fanfare she would have loved. We got busy with appointments and the things of life. She never forgot. Finally we went out to the dollar store and gathered some things for her classmates and got the cupcake liners. We made the cupcakes and it is all ready to go to school. Her adoption celebration with her classmates will be one month after the actual date. I thought I would give her this letter in her book bag to read. I wonder what she will think?

The Original Celebration - April 9, 2007

May 9, 2012

Dear Hey,

I may not have been there to hold you when you were first born, but I wanted to be. God was holding you for me. I may have missed your very first smile, but God saw it. I may have not been able to feed, clothe or comfort you when you needed it, but God brought you through the neglect to be with me. I would have loved to have kept you safe, but know that God did.

Now you are in our family. We received you into our home to feed, clothe and comfort you. I sang and rocked you to sleep. I wanted to hold you all the time. You wanted to explore the world. We watched you smile, walk and play. You came to our home as a foster child. We were a temporary family protecting you until your birth family could figure out what to do. Your birth parents saw how much we cared for you and could keep you safe. They let you go so that we could have you be in our family forever. I wanted to be your Mom. We chose you as our child to be adopted into our family. We chose to bring you along our journey of worshiping and honoring God with our family. I am grateful to God for giving me the privilege of being your Mom. Thank you for being our little girl. We adore you and will always love you as if we were there from the day you were born.

The world officially recognized our choice to adopt you and have you be a part of our family along with your sister on April 9, 2007. No matter what day it maybe today, I celebrate your adoption everyday you are safe with us. Every day is adoption day for us.

Love,

Your Mom

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them." Psalm 139:13-16 

© 2012 www.obsessedanalyst.blogspot.com All Rights Reserved.

The Really Complete Tucson Update

We moved to Tucson and if it was a successful move or not still remains to be seen. My husband was officially retired from the Air Force, March 29, 2012.
It isn't exactly the move I envisioned. We have only connected with very few previous friends. It seems most of my previous friends are only through Facebook. I guess being gone for 3 years you find who are your real friends. The painful part of it all is that although their children all go to school, the Moms hang out for Mom Night Outs and I have not been asked to be a part of that group or been invited. I'm going to stick with the idea that it is because I homeschool, so they must think I have become a weirdo or something. I don't want to think it is because there IS something wrong with me, nope denial is more comfortable.

We live in the best school district in Arizona, literally. I think that maybe why the homeschool community here isn't as strong as it was in Vegas. There are few extracurricular activities that take place during the traditional school day. There isn't a $6/per class gymnastics here. There is no ice skating at all since the only rink here went out of business. In the last 3 months there has only been 1 field trip opportunity. The elementary co-op class we attend (K-3rd grade) is very traditional in it's structure with 20 children and 1 official parent in charge. The parent (bless her heart) has no background in education other than being a homeschool teacher. The parents are supposed to remain on site to help and oversee their child's behavior. With 20 children, there is rarely more than 2 other parents there, myself included.

For the homeschool group we belong to there is a P.E. class most Fridays at a local park. Again, it is very traditional in that the children are divided by age with my children's class being ages 4 to 6 year olds. It is a real struggle for my oldest daughter who is the size of a 9 year old (CDC growth chart). The parents do stay and wait, most sit in groups. If you are new, you have no idea where to sit and the groups make no attempt to reach out and welcome new members. It doesn't help that most sit in a circle with camp chairs and blankets. I didn't bring or even own a camp chair and can not sit on the ground for more than 10 minutes. I attempted to break into one of the groups, but after an initial self introduction, stood there feeling very excluded. However, when my husband attended in my place, they went out of their way to invite him to sit in a group even giving him a chair! Considering my husband is a wallflower in brand new social situations, I took this news very hard. I realize my husband is very good looking, but really, did I act like an alien?

We attended one playground gathering. We arrived and I surveyed the groups of women standing together and chatting. No one must have recognized me from the 4 previous P.E. classes I had attended. Eventually I found an opportunity to walk over and introduce myself, but then found myself listening to conversations that I was not included in. After standing awhile I went and sat down by myself. Then the other Moms must have finally gotten tired of standing and sat with me. It was the only bench with seats in proximity to the play set.

I watched my girls play together most of the time. Finally my oldest was playing with the older girls there, 8 years and older, but as soon as they found out how old she was, they excluded her. Then I listened to two Moms talk about the drama going on between two of the nine year olds that were 'best' friends. The one was jealous that she was playing with other children. Then they gossiped about another Mom who was not there. This is supposed to be a Christian homeschool group. Eventually my children found a very nice girl to play with and they seemed to get along great. She was 6 years old like my oldest daughter. All three of them played well. When it came time to leave, I discovered that one nice little girl wasn't even part of our homeschool group. Sigh, so even the children are so used to each other being friends that they find it hard to include new ones.

I am thinking we need to involve ourselves in a homeschool group that is either very new or less traditional.

On the bright side, one of the main reasons for returning to Tucson is working out. Both my children were adopted from the Arizona Foster Care system and have some abilities that are unique to their biological history and trauma. The girls are back in Physical Therapy with Mary O'Connell to work with their motor skills challenges and sensory integration. My oldest and I are in weekly therapy together to work on our attachment to each other. My youngest has an appointment with a Developmental Pediatrician at the end of this month. The oldest will see her again next month. I'm going to see if the Developmental Pediatrician recommends we continue with music therapy, the only decent service we were able to find in Vegas.

We are working with a HUD counselor to see about getting our payment reduced on our 6.125% interest rate mortgage on a house that is worth at least $40k less than what we owe on the house.

The medical care here is better since I can be referred off base to civilian specialist. Although, there are syringomelia, until I have another MRI to see if it is growing. Despite the monthly insurance premium and co-pays we are not used to, it is nice to know we have access to much better care.

Oh, we love our family (an uncle and a cousin) here and church too. So all in all everything is okay and I'm sure it will get even better over time. I just have come to realize it is almost like moving to a new place all over again. Now, my next order of business is to find a good babysitter. We miss Hannah in Vegas.

God's Amazing Healing Power, REALLY!

It has taken me awhile to write out my complete miracle story, being concise doesn’t come easily for me. I could write a whole book on my life, but I’m not sure anyone would want to read it. Instead I will try to summarize it for this blog. There are many miracles I have experienced in my life. I only have listed some highlights before going over the big miracle.

·        No broken bones or death despite falling off a horse and getting amnesia, being hit by a car while on a bicycle, and several bad car accidents.

·        A simple faith in God that prevented me from following through on suicide despite a serious undiagnosed, at the time, mental illness.

·        Survived many episodes of self medication with excessive drug and alcohol usage. Also, I avoided any accidents or consequences of my DUI. I only became addicted to food, not anything illegal or alcohol despite years of abuse.

·        Receiving Jesus and accepting Him into my heart after fully understanding the salvation plan.  

·        Adopting two beautiful baby girls that share the same biological parents from the foster care system.

·        Surviving 3 major surgeries despite severe allergic reactions to general anesthesia and pain medications.

·        Living to the age of 33 despite a serious congenital heart defect, sinus venosus atrial septal defect (hole between upper chambers of the heart and a vein going in the wrong direction). The hole was > 2.7 cm, slightly larger than a quarter and my heart had enlarged 5 times the normal size of a heart to compensate.

·        After 10 years of complaints to doctors, finally finding one who listened to my symptoms and didn’t explain them away as suffering from obesity or a properly medicated mental illness.

Now I come to the awesome miracle of my latest healing. Please indulge me while I give some history I don’t think I covered my previous blog post.

In 2008, six years after my corrective heart surgery, I had some fatigue. After a transesophageal echocardiogram (TEE), a cardiologist discovered that the hole in my heart had opened. The cells in our bodies have a memory. Mine clearly were duplicating what they had known for 33 years. However, the hole was < .5 cm, smaller than a pencil eraser. My pressure, saturation and oxygenation levels were well within normal.  Many people can live to old age while having a tiny hole in their heart, no worries. In 2010, the hole got bigger. For the most up to date history about the hole in my heart you might want to read about My Almost a Clear Bill of Health for My Holy Heart. 

I had a cardiac MRI done October 24, 2011 at UCLA. I have my official written out results, confirmation of my healing. THE HOLE IS GONE! My MRI shows there is no flow or evidence for right to left shunt. My pulmonary venous connections appear normal. Here is some great medical jargon. There are: No interatrial or interventricular septal discontinuity. No pericardial effusion. Both ventricles show normal contractility throughout with normal myocardial systolic thickening. No focal mural thinning or regional hypokinesia. No delayed myocardial enhancement to suggest myocardial scar or inflammation. The aortic valve is trileaflet with normal opening and coaption, no evidence for dephasing jet. After all that mumbo jumbo, trust me, the report says the hole is gone. Alleluia! It is confirmation of the Lords miracle. “O Lord my God, I cried out to You, and You have healed me.” Psalm 30:2

While the doctor went over the results I was thinking of the questions that I had for him. One of which was, “Can I do aerobic exercise now?” The interesting result from the MRI is that from a cardiac standpoint I am healthy and can resume aerobic exercise. However, to get a complete answer to that question, I have to follow up with my primary care physician. It seems that through incidental imaging of the upper abdomen, it demonstrates Cholelithiasis without evidence for biliary obstruction, but at least two gallbladder calculi, the larger measuring 2.0 cm diameter. There are also mild intervertebral disc bulges at T8-T9 and T9-T10 level, as well as, at T12 level, well defined 1 cm rounded cystic structure within the spinal cord. A well-defined high signal structure apparently invaginating the spinal cord at T12 level, with otherwise normal appearances of the cord - although SSFP sequences not optimal for evaluation -, and some lower thoracic disc bulging noted.

I find it amusing that I thought it maybe my heart that would prevent me from doing aerobic exercise, but instead it is my back. Although I don’t accept that it is an excuse. I know there are plenty of people with back problems that exercise successfully for weight loss. I just have to get my doctor to clear me despite what my back may indicate. Now my getting into the doctor before I move maybe the issue since he is so popular in the military community. Maybe there is another miracle waiting for me!