My Regrets Are Not Few

If you ever asked me, "What are you thinking?" and I answered, "nothing", I was lying. I am always thinking about something. I know it is why I have a hard time falling asleep. When my oldest daughter, Hey, told me at age 4 that she couldn't shut off her brain, I sympathized. I know exactly how that feels. However, I couldn't relate to what the heck would keep her brain buzzing late into the night. What does a 3 year old think about that can keep them awake?

I guess that is the price one pays for having a busy analytical mind. Many times I think we struggle in our relationship because we are very much alike. I suspect that like me, she reviews her day, thinks about how she could have done things differently and what the next day could hold.

My 7 1/2 years old Hey.

We both are stubborn and willful.  My mother says I was a better behaved little girl, but I think that was from fear of my father. My children don't have that threat in their minds. Other than her explosiveness, I see many of Hey's behavior and think that is how I felt when I was young. I remember the hate I felt for my parents. If left unchecked, I know Hey would become as much of a procrastinator and perfectionist as I am today. One motto we have now in our home: "Only God is perfect." That motto has served my children well.

There are so many things to think about. I spend way to much time second guessing the things that I say or do. I purposely try and stay away from anything that I did before my marriage. The choices I made as a teenager were reckless and stupid. It is a wonder I am alive today, not even considering my congenital heart defect. I say, "Thank you God I got married when I was 23 years old." Otherwise my list of regrets might have been longer. Many times I wish there weren't other people involved in those experiences or character building events. I created way to much drama in my teen years.

I think it all started in 7th grade when I cleaned out a friends locker since she was out sick. I knew the combination to her locker and was going to be able to get her things to her. I found a notebook of correspondence between her and another friend. They had written to each other as if it were a diary. 1st mistake, I read it. 2nd mistake, I talked about it with, who I thought, was a trusted friend in our social circle. The trusted friend turned out to be a social piranha. She used the incident to create my demise in the social community of 7th grade. I was no longer part of the in crowd. In fact, nasty gossip started being spread about me. What was ironic was that the owner of the locker had forgiven me and was over it.

My poor choices only got worse as I started 8th grade and all my friends had changed. I was an honor roll student every quarter in 7th grade since it was a point of competition in my old social circle. In 8th grade I didn't care. My new group of friends didn't care either. We spent most of our time figuring out how to party like our older high school siblings.

Myself, 22 years old, with NASA before marriage.

I do know that my parents were smart in taking me out of that public school system and sending me to a private high school. I had to start over with new school friends and that made a big difference.

So why does this matter now? Well, I am the mother of two beautiful girls. As I said, my oldest, Hey, reminds me of myself in some ways. I realize she is only 7 1/2 years old, but all our interactions and her learning are cumulative. She is only 5 years away from when my world radically changed and my poor choices had residual effects. I don't want my daughters to have the emotional baggage I brought into my marriage.

I wonder, is there anything my Mom could have done to help? Is there some experience or conversation that would have helped me make better choices starting at the age of 13? What ground work do I need to do now that will keep my daughter from making poor choices? I spend a great deal of time examining my role in her life as her mother. I know I am over critical of my parenting, but I can't help it.  I have started to tell her how much I think about how I am her mother and what I could do better. I tell her when I am wrong or have made a mistake.

Wow, after reading this several times to edit it I realize what I need to change. It is to much about me! I need to change my focus. It needs to be all about God. I have to show my daughter how the Lord directs my life now. 

I believe I was on the path to where I am today. I just think that between the ages of 13 to 22, I took a huge detour. I believe if my faith was firmly grounded in God's Word much younger many of my regrets would not have occurred. Once I did start listening to the Lord He did miracles in my life. He has healed me in many ways, not just physically.

I can only hope that my talking to her and being honest will allow her to trust God and what He would have for her. As a family we talk about our values and faith. I pray that with all of that and sharing God's Word, once she is an adult, she will have few regrets.

Writing this was very helpful. The best thing I can do is continue to keep God in the center of my life. I now know that will be the best thing I can do for her and her sister.

"And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength. ⁶ And you must commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these commands that I am giving you today. ⁷ Repeat them again and again to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up." Deuteronomy 6:5-7


© 2012 www.obsessedanalyst.blogspot.com All Rights Reserved.

National Adoption Day is Close to My Heart

Today is National Adoption Day. It is a great day for the world to recognize the beauty of adoption. Adoption is the gift of bringing love into a life. Personally I don’t feel there is any better day to celebrate in the world than Adoption Day. It is all over Facebook. It is the best media method of spreading the message of the gift of adoption. 

We started our journey when we became foster parents in September of 2005. The adoption of our two gorgeous sibling daughters was final April 9, 2007. It has been an incredible journey in parenthood.

Hey and Myrrh's Adoption, April 9, 2005

Both girls come with their own needs and personalities. You can tell they are siblings because of their needs, but are also very unique in the joy they have for life. The food allergies and learning abilities clearly indicate they are siblings. It hasn’t been an easy path, which in perspective isn’t that far off than the challenges of many parents.  Children in general bring a whole new world to your view.

If it weren’t for my creative daughters I never would have started a craft blog. They have created so many firsts in my life. Hey and Myrrh have molded me into the person I am today. We truly are a family enriched by the experience of each other.



Myrrh on her 6th Birthday

Myrrh is my tender-heart animal obsessed child with a strange interest in the Weird, True and Freaky oddities of life.

 

Hey is my impulsive defensive hearted child who wants to know everything there is to know about life, but not necessarily direct from me.

Hey with her Halloween Bear.

Both are the ultimate gifts God has given me, well, other than offering me Salvation. I see how wonderfully and beautifully made God’s creation is all around us through learning with my children.

I knew God called me to serve Him through being a foster/adoptive parent when I was a teenager. He knew I needed the benefit of seeing His grace through the eyes of a child. I have been richly blessed only because He decided I was good enough. Despite my doubts, God decided I was to parent these girls. I have to remind myself daily that He chose me. It is an awesome responsibility. I pray each day that I am worthy of the journey.

 "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress…" James 1:27 (NIV)  

If you have a heart to assist in meeting the needs of children who don’t have the benefits of a forever family, you can check out information on The James Fund.

“There are many ways you can get involved: pray, give, mobilize your church, or adopt. Once you decide on the path that’s right for you, seek out organizations who offer guidance and support. Your journey will change you (and the orphan and the widow) forever.”



© 2012 www.obsessedanalyst.blogspot.com All Rights Reserved.

Listening to God - We Are Staying

My last post raised some good questions that I wanted to address.

After much prayer and reflection we know we are supposed to be here in Tucson now. We moved here for many reasons, most importantly because God wanted us here.  Our family has experienced such huge miracles and blessings that we try to work out all things for His glory. Oddly enough, we are confident we are in His will when others tell us we are crazy, shouldn't do something or it doesn't make sense to them.

It makes more sense to move where NASA can have a job. However, it isn't what God wants us to do right now.

Why don’t I return to work? It wouldn’t solve the issue of my husband needing to work. He is a goal oriented person with a work ethic making it hard for him to accept retirement at the age of 41. He is volunteering his time each week, but it isn’t enough for him. Plus, I have grown to enjoy being home and available to my children. Early on, we agreed that I was the one to stay home for the children. 

I have my own employment challenges too. I have a Masters degree and have been out of my field of human resources for 5 years. I would have to return to work full-time.  There are few and far between part-time positions in human resources. I would prefer not to choose work over my children.  Most human resources professionals do not want to supervise someone with 15 years of experience and degrees. I am over educated and lack recent work history.  I respect women who work or return to work after having children. It is a huge balancing act of work and family. I tried it in March of 2008, it wasn't for me. It stressed me out and I missed my girls. 

Then there is bringing the girls back to homeschooling. It was always the goal to make sure they got the attention and instruction they needed to be successful.

Having them in school has been a huge learning experience. I volunteer in their classrooms and see what outside education has done for children. There are second graders who struggle to read. Smart kids who when I sat and read with a small group, they didn't even know how to try and sound out the words. I could see their frustration. I know our local public school is not a long term strategy for us.

Our loan modification came through, finally. With the guidance of a HUD counselor we started the process back in February. In July the bank agreed to let us enter into a 6 month 'trail' modification period, resulting in a lower monthly payment. If we could successfully complete the trial period they would modify our loan. There were no terms for our modification laid out. We had no clue what the end result would be. Although we were only 2 months into our trial period, the bank sent us paperwork to permanently modify the loan. They offered us a lower interest rate. Instead of the 6.25% we were paying, it was modified down to 3.75%. All the terms remained the same, 25 years left on the loan and same remaining principle.  Essentially we got a refinance without any closing costs lowering our monthly payment to be more affordable. We closed this week on the modified loan.

We are selling all the excess things we have accumulated over the last 20 years. Using the money to fund some changes we want to make in the house.

The first big step to show our commitment to sticking it out here was selling all our moving boxes. We have started hanging pictures on the walls. Soon we will be replacing the flooring in our living room, building storage in the garage and putting the drapes/curtains up. We will make this our home again. It feels good and we know it is what is right now.

2 John 6 (NIV) And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in his love.

Soon we will address the best direction for our girls schooling. One thing at a time.

© 2012 www.obsessedanalyst.blogspot.com All Rights Reserved.

School Really Is In Full Swing

I have more time to myself these days, but yet I don't seem to get anymore done. Well, some more, but not what I would like. I may just have high expectations.

Days are all structured around the school schedule. I thought bedtime was a pain in the neck in the past, well it hasn't gotten any better. Mornings are now in close competition to bedtime. No matter how early I wake them up, we are always rushing around at the end. We discuss lunch, pick out clothes the night before and backpacks are ready to go. What more could we do? I am considering putting them to bed in their clothes for the next day.

Have you started your school routine yet? Arizona goes back to school early so it is an odd time of year. I always associated school starting after Labor Day. It is still summer, but school has started here. I am finding it hard to reconcile.

Then there is my writer and craft block. All this time seems to have created a total lack of creative thought on my part. I don't even have copy cat in me. I'm hoping it will pass. We have a birthday, Myrrh's, coming so I best get out of my funk soon. I will try to be better at keeping you posted.

© 2012 www.obsessedanalyst.blogspot.com All Rights Reserved.

First Day of School

I am back. It is bittersweet. I took Hey and Myrrh to school today, public school, shocking I know. I was led to homeschooling while living in Vegas. Now, we are playing it by ear, literally.  We are closely listening to what the teachers say about the girls academic skills and special needs. There is a curriculum meeting coming up for the parents. I will definitely be there. I plan on volunteering in the classroom to see how things are first hand.

Hey's counselor strongly suggested we keep Hey in school. The girls physical therapist suggested we seek an Individual Education Plan (IEP) for them both and see if we can establish services for their needs. Their developmental pediatrician told us to seek services whatever way we thought was best. We weighed the opinions of these three professionals and our own experience. The best way to get services is to have your child in public school. It isn't the only way, but the easiest and fastest.

We live in a small school district that is a tight knit community. It is the best school district in the State of Arizona. I already have received an e-mail and a phone call from the school district communicating what to expect for the start of school.

Plus, there is the issues that Hey refuses to learn from me. My thought is that Hey will be in some school at least until all her skills are at the 3rd grade level. Many Christian online courses and the programs I would consider don't start until 3rd grade.

It broke my heart to drop off Myrrh today at 1st grade. She has asked me in the past to always homeschool her. She listens and learns from me, but struggles with many skills she needs at her age. We really need to see if we can get the school to provide the OT for her motor skills. She potentially needs Speech too. I am not sure the school will see it that way since it superficially seems to be an enunciation issue. We shall see.

Myrrh did benefit from meeting her teacher and seeing her classroom last week. Once she saw that it was a fascinating classroom she wanted to give it a try. Her teacher seemed very nice. She remembered her this morning too. I just pray that Myrrh's tender heart doesn't get wounded. She is so sensitive to what others think. Hey is sensitive too, but she keeps her heart well guarded.

Yes, I am justifying why we are sending our girls to the local elementary school in our neighborhood. Although NASA and I have a peace about it, we want others to know it wasn't an easy decision. One goal is that as soon as NASA has a job and we have an IEP for Hey, we will start shopping faith based schools that can accomodate her needs.

In the meantime, I have to watch that I don't waste this school time alone. I have many projects I haven't had time to do and this is a great opportunity to do them.

© 2012 www.obsessedanalyst.blogspot.com All Rights Reserved.

Taking a Short Break!

I am trying to be as "Hands Free" as possible this week. I am taking the lead from Hands Free Mama. Her blog has really awakened me to the lost moments of childhood due to my distractions.

Best Mom Blog Ever!

My girls will be starting school on Monday. Once they are in school, it will be hectic, but we will have a set schedule. We work much better with a strict schedule. Although, we spent many weeks of the summer in camps or VBS, there were plenty of days to seek opportunities for fun. I do look forward to a consistent schedule week after week. It will provide better organization, but I will mourn what we didn't have time to do before the start of school.

I will only be online after they are in bed, or before they wake up. That is only enough time to check e-mails and Facebook. I won't be able to blog anytime soon. It will be after July 17th for sure.

Have a great summer break. If you have children or not, enjoy the moments you have with other people. Focus on relationships without distractions.


© 2012 www.obsessedanalyst.blogspot.com All Rights Reserved.

Busy Trying to Bond

We have less than two weeks before Hey starts school. Wow, the summer flew by. She was out of school for 7 weeks. Somedays it seemed to drag on, others flew by. I am trying to learn to spend more focused positive attention with her, but it isn't easy. I don't have much in common with Hey. She likes details about things, the science, how things work and the why of everything. I could care less about things and the science of it. I only want to know about it, find its worth, buy it for less and own it. As long as it works I don't care why or how.

Other than crafts there are not many things we do together. We can watch tv together, but I don't think that counts. We are not comfortable cuddling on the couch for more than 2 minutes. She is restless, fidgets constantly and digs her bones into my flesh. I like to read to her, but she gets bored with that quickly. She is the same with games. I don't know what to do or how to relate to this child other than crafts?



Doing a fun dollar store craft together.

Hey loves physical activity like biking, running around, and anything that involves movement. That isn't my strength. Being outside is not comfortable for me. I can't stand being outside in the hot sun more than 10 minutes at a time. Between my skin and my allergies, I just consider myself allergic to being outside. I endure going to the park with my children purely for their sake and sanity in our home. However, the park is out anytime it is windy or over 95 degrees, so that is about 6 months out of the year. Thank goodness NASA is an outdoorsman!

Hey sees how much easier it is for Myrrh and I to spend time together. It is effortless. We can cuddle, play in Myrrh's imaginary world of animals, go shopping without buying anything, read a ton of books, and just talk. Well, Myrrh does most of the talking, I try and keep up with listening. Hey is smart she sees the difference in our relationships. She translates that to my loving her less. It breaks my heart to know she doesn't feel loved sometimes. How do parents handle it between siblings with different personalities? I only have two different children. I can't imagine, 3 or more.

I am afraid that school won't help us relate more either. Praying that somehow I can find ways to let Hey know that I value her, she is loved and worth receiving my positive attention.

© 2012 www.obsessedanalyst.blogspot.com All Rights Reserved.

Raising a Challenging Child

I have thought about this post for way to long. It is time to just get it out there. Many children, like my daughter Hey, with challenging behavior, can tell you all about the rules and why their behavior was inappropriate, but this knowledge doesn’t help them. My beautiful daughter was diagnosed at 3 yrs. old with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) as well as several developmental disorders issues and learning disabilities abilities. With professional help, we are still trying to figure out if Hey's behavior is still RAD related or something different.
Hey had a very hard start in this world when her biological parents were homeless, drug users and not emotionally able to handle a newborn. More than likely Hey has a problem with impulse control not only from inherited disabilities abilities, but also because of her prenatal exposure to drugs and alcohol, severe neglect, as well as damage to her frontal lobe, which controls inhibitions and judgment.

If you are interested in the difference in neurological development of traumatized children, Dr. Bruce Perry has done some great research and has published a great book, The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog: And Other Stories from a Child Psychiatrist's Notebook--What Traumatized Children Can Teach Us About Loss, Love, and Healing.



When we adopted Hey at 22 months old, we were told she seemed to be well bonded to us since she made great eye contact and was so well behaved in preschool. The problem is Hey’s behavior with us at home where she can relax and be herself. She shows no respect for our authority and always pushes to the limits. She overreacts to minor things and shows little to no reaction to what you may think is hurtful or traumatic. She is a drama queen most of the time.

As parents who strive to be the best, we have been trained and practice parenting models: 1, 2, 3 Magic and Love & Logic. Chances of it actually working go out the window most of the time, when you have a child with impulse control issues. When you can’t find the one thing to help her make better choices, it takes an incredible amount of patience. She has no toys in her room. Many times she decides that loosing privileges, things or going places are not as important as her being in control and getting what she wants.

Temper Tantrum of Challenging Child

How do you teach a child impulse control? I read a nice blog on how to practice self control in order for a young child to learn it. http://simple-gifts.blogspot.com/2010/04/helping-children-learn-impulse-control.html  It sounds great, but I think that is the best way to teach a somewhat regular child. Hey’s rage, aggression and outbursts are far from normal at home. The worst is after a day where she has been at school, hanging with friends or being out in public. She seems to be okay and holding it together, then when she is relaxed and comfortable, Hey lets it all out. The poor behavior and choices when exhausted can be common for many children, but I cannot stress the degree she takes it up to. Unless you live with a raging child, you don’t truly know. I have found the people who understand best are parents with RAD or autistic children. Interesting enough all of the developmental disorders issues and learning disabilities my daughter has are on the autism spectrum. Yet, she is not autistic. 

We are told to rehearse scenarios, practice difficult situations and predict triggers. It can be exhausting trying to figure out how to prevent the outbursts, temper tantrums, rage, and consequences of a bad decision. It doesn’t help when you are in public and Hey doesn’t realize other people can hear and see her.  People look at you as if you are the reason for your child’s poor behavior. I understand; I used to think the same thing before I had children. My mother and I were at a mall in Vegas once where I had to put Hey over my shoulder like a sack of potatoes to take her to the car to leave. We were a long walk from the car and at the age of 5 Hey was 50 inches tall and weighed more than 50 lbs. She was kicking, screaming, shouting about what a horrible person I was and other mean things kids say when they have been told ‘No’.  I think people thought I might be abducting her, but I kept saying out loud, “I said no, I am your mother and I love you no matter how bad you act.”

Then there are Hey’s trust issues. How do you get a child to trust you, especially when the child’s brain is wired to not trust and has impulse control issues? 

Hey doesn’t believe what I tell her. She tests whatever I say. For example, while looking at her Cinderella snow globe she asked me if it was water that allows the sparkles/glitter float in it. I told her, off the top of my head, it was probably some sort of water like liquid that probably had some chemical in it to suspend the particles in it better than just water alone. She asked if I was sure it wasn’t just water. I told her I was sure and since we can’t open it up to check I could google it to verify, but first I had to go to the bathroom. When I returned to the room the Cinderella snow globe was broken open on the carpet. She said it was an accident that it slipped and that indeed it was not just water because it did not taste or smell like water.

Hey being herself at home.

 She is like a teenager or adult with trust issues. She never can take your word for something. She has to check and verify. When I warned her to stay away from the hot curling iron, she touches it ‘by accident’. She has done that twice. She has burned her hand on the stove twice too. She has run into traffic as well. If I say “stop”, unless she can see the danger for herself, she won’t listen. This can be annoying in an adult (I do it myself sometimes), can you imagine it in a 7 year old?

After 16 sessions with her new therapist here in Tucson, her therapist asked me if she is always so condescending. I thought, “It took only 16 sessions to let her guard down, does that mean she is getting better?” 

This is the summer of discovering our children’s gifts and talents so that we know where to invest our time and effort for extracurricular activities for the school year. This past week Hey was in theater workshops for the week. She spent 4 hours each day learning how to be an actor in a live theater production. Clearly her ability to hold it together and knowing how to act in public is becoming her talent. She had her lines for the play memorized by the second day. She projected her voice during the performance like a real pro. She made some better choices when we told her attending her acting workshops each day were optional. We may have found the thing that has meaning to her. She may never be famous, but if it helps her channel her inner Drama Queen, I will do what we can to continue to foster her talent.

I am thankful for Hey being in our family. She has made me a better parent, learning that I need to trust other people more, stop being so selfish and still need to move away from serving my own self interest and instead serve others. I am reminded that God decided we were good enough to be Hey’s parents. He allowed us to adopt her into our family just as He adopted me, a greatly flawed individual, into His kingdom. I am humbled and reminded daily of the forgiveness God gives me for my sins. I can only hope and pray that Hey grows to trust God as she has taught us to trust Him.

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, ⁴ not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." Philippians 2:3-4

© 2012 www.obsessedanalyst.blogspot.com All Rights Reserved.

Can't Go Out and Play

I just spent the time my children were in Vacation Bible School (VBS) cleaning out their rooms of any remnants of toys. They didn’t have much since they only would clean up the ones they wanted to keep. It was enough to keep them happy and busy.

Bedroom before the clean out.

Well, now those are all gone too. That is what happens if you choose to leave your socks, shoes and toys in my living room and talk back with disrespect. After you have gone to bed, things will disappear. This had been going on for years since my husband and I did a parenting class in Love and Logic. 

The way I like my living room to look before bedtime.

Lately, my oldest daughter, Hey, has decided there is nothing she can lose that will make her decide to clean anything up. When we would get to this point in the past she would miss out on the opportunity to go to a birthday party, swimming, shopping , movie, a craft, video games, or go to a friend’s house. After a time or two of missing out on those things, she would improve for weeks. I’m not a real stickler about their rooms being clean either. I do require that there be a path to get to their bed so we can read to them, sing and pray together at bedtime. I request that the toys be picked up if they don’t want them to get stepped on. If they choose not to then they take the risk of it being broken. It seems her and her sister needed a reminder about the living room being a clean zone before bedtime.

Right now the girls are going to VBS and having Hey stay home was not a choice I was willing to offer. She is only gone from 8:30 AM to noon, so that is just enough time for me to recharge for the test rest of the day.

Bedroom after the clean out.

Let’s see if the missing toys will help the children get better attitudes. Myrrh still has a few stuffed animals. Hey does have her pillow pets. All their books and educational items are left. I am wondering if just having those items will still give them a respect for making better choices. They will still have access to the craft room. We shall see how it plays out. I am confident it will work for Myrrh since all of her horses are gone. Myrrh will be asking right away what she can do to earn things back. Hey cares much less about things.

I guess if it comes down to it, if Hey can’t pull it together, then I can suck it up and stay home with her a day doing nothing. So for now, Hey cannot go out and play. Maybe the next day though.

© 2012 www.obsessedanalyst.blogspot.com All Rights Reserved.