My Regrets Are Not Few

If you ever asked me, "What are you thinking?" and I answered, "nothing", I was lying. I am always thinking about something. I know it is why I have a hard time falling asleep. When my oldest daughter, Hey, told me at age 4 that she couldn't shut off her brain, I sympathized. I know exactly how that feels. However, I couldn't relate to what the heck would keep her brain buzzing late into the night. What does a 3 year old think about that can keep them awake?

I guess that is the price one pays for having a busy analytical mind. Many times I think we struggle in our relationship because we are very much alike. I suspect that like me, she reviews her day, thinks about how she could have done things differently and what the next day could hold.

My 7 1/2 years old Hey.

We both are stubborn and willful.  My mother says I was a better behaved little girl, but I think that was from fear of my father. My children don't have that threat in their minds. Other than her explosiveness, I see many of Hey's behavior and think that is how I felt when I was young. I remember the hate I felt for my parents. If left unchecked, I know Hey would become as much of a procrastinator and perfectionist as I am today. One motto we have now in our home: "Only God is perfect." That motto has served my children well.

There are so many things to think about. I spend way to much time second guessing the things that I say or do. I purposely try and stay away from anything that I did before my marriage. The choices I made as a teenager were reckless and stupid. It is a wonder I am alive today, not even considering my congenital heart defect. I say, "Thank you God I got married when I was 23 years old." Otherwise my list of regrets might have been longer. Many times I wish there weren't other people involved in those experiences or character building events. I created way to much drama in my teen years.

I think it all started in 7th grade when I cleaned out a friends locker since she was out sick. I knew the combination to her locker and was going to be able to get her things to her. I found a notebook of correspondence between her and another friend. They had written to each other as if it were a diary. 1st mistake, I read it. 2nd mistake, I talked about it with, who I thought, was a trusted friend in our social circle. The trusted friend turned out to be a social piranha. She used the incident to create my demise in the social community of 7th grade. I was no longer part of the in crowd. In fact, nasty gossip started being spread about me. What was ironic was that the owner of the locker had forgiven me and was over it.

My poor choices only got worse as I started 8th grade and all my friends had changed. I was an honor roll student every quarter in 7th grade since it was a point of competition in my old social circle. In 8th grade I didn't care. My new group of friends didn't care either. We spent most of our time figuring out how to party like our older high school siblings.

Myself, 22 years old, with NASA before marriage.

I do know that my parents were smart in taking me out of that public school system and sending me to a private high school. I had to start over with new school friends and that made a big difference.

So why does this matter now? Well, I am the mother of two beautiful girls. As I said, my oldest, Hey, reminds me of myself in some ways. I realize she is only 7 1/2 years old, but all our interactions and her learning are cumulative. She is only 5 years away from when my world radically changed and my poor choices had residual effects. I don't want my daughters to have the emotional baggage I brought into my marriage.

I wonder, is there anything my Mom could have done to help? Is there some experience or conversation that would have helped me make better choices starting at the age of 13? What ground work do I need to do now that will keep my daughter from making poor choices? I spend a great deal of time examining my role in her life as her mother. I know I am over critical of my parenting, but I can't help it.  I have started to tell her how much I think about how I am her mother and what I could do better. I tell her when I am wrong or have made a mistake.

Wow, after reading this several times to edit it I realize what I need to change. It is to much about me! I need to change my focus. It needs to be all about God. I have to show my daughter how the Lord directs my life now. 

I believe I was on the path to where I am today. I just think that between the ages of 13 to 22, I took a huge detour. I believe if my faith was firmly grounded in God's Word much younger many of my regrets would not have occurred. Once I did start listening to the Lord He did miracles in my life. He has healed me in many ways, not just physically.

I can only hope that my talking to her and being honest will allow her to trust God and what He would have for her. As a family we talk about our values and faith. I pray that with all of that and sharing God's Word, once she is an adult, she will have few regrets.

Writing this was very helpful. The best thing I can do is continue to keep God in the center of my life. I now know that will be the best thing I can do for her and her sister.

"And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength. ⁶ And you must commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these commands that I am giving you today. ⁷ Repeat them again and again to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up." Deuteronomy 6:5-7


© 2012 www.obsessedanalyst.blogspot.com All Rights Reserved.

National Adoption Day is Close to My Heart

Today is National Adoption Day. It is a great day for the world to recognize the beauty of adoption. Adoption is the gift of bringing love into a life. Personally I don’t feel there is any better day to celebrate in the world than Adoption Day. It is all over Facebook. It is the best media method of spreading the message of the gift of adoption. 

We started our journey when we became foster parents in September of 2005. The adoption of our two gorgeous sibling daughters was final April 9, 2007. It has been an incredible journey in parenthood.

Hey and Myrrh's Adoption, April 9, 2005

Both girls come with their own needs and personalities. You can tell they are siblings because of their needs, but are also very unique in the joy they have for life. The food allergies and learning abilities clearly indicate they are siblings. It hasn’t been an easy path, which in perspective isn’t that far off than the challenges of many parents.  Children in general bring a whole new world to your view.

If it weren’t for my creative daughters I never would have started a craft blog. They have created so many firsts in my life. Hey and Myrrh have molded me into the person I am today. We truly are a family enriched by the experience of each other.



Myrrh on her 6th Birthday

Myrrh is my tender-heart animal obsessed child with a strange interest in the Weird, True and Freaky oddities of life.

 

Hey is my impulsive defensive hearted child who wants to know everything there is to know about life, but not necessarily direct from me.

Hey with her Halloween Bear.

Both are the ultimate gifts God has given me, well, other than offering me Salvation. I see how wonderfully and beautifully made God’s creation is all around us through learning with my children.

I knew God called me to serve Him through being a foster/adoptive parent when I was a teenager. He knew I needed the benefit of seeing His grace through the eyes of a child. I have been richly blessed only because He decided I was good enough. Despite my doubts, God decided I was to parent these girls. I have to remind myself daily that He chose me. It is an awesome responsibility. I pray each day that I am worthy of the journey.

 "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress…" James 1:27 (NIV)  

If you have a heart to assist in meeting the needs of children who don’t have the benefits of a forever family, you can check out information on The James Fund.

“There are many ways you can get involved: pray, give, mobilize your church, or adopt. Once you decide on the path that’s right for you, seek out organizations who offer guidance and support. Your journey will change you (and the orphan and the widow) forever.”



© 2012 www.obsessedanalyst.blogspot.com All Rights Reserved.

Listening to God - We Are Staying

My last post raised some good questions that I wanted to address.

After much prayer and reflection we know we are supposed to be here in Tucson now. We moved here for many reasons, most importantly because God wanted us here.  Our family has experienced such huge miracles and blessings that we try to work out all things for His glory. Oddly enough, we are confident we are in His will when others tell us we are crazy, shouldn't do something or it doesn't make sense to them.

It makes more sense to move where NASA can have a job. However, it isn't what God wants us to do right now.

Why don’t I return to work? It wouldn’t solve the issue of my husband needing to work. He is a goal oriented person with a work ethic making it hard for him to accept retirement at the age of 41. He is volunteering his time each week, but it isn’t enough for him. Plus, I have grown to enjoy being home and available to my children. Early on, we agreed that I was the one to stay home for the children. 

I have my own employment challenges too. I have a Masters degree and have been out of my field of human resources for 5 years. I would have to return to work full-time.  There are few and far between part-time positions in human resources. I would prefer not to choose work over my children.  Most human resources professionals do not want to supervise someone with 15 years of experience and degrees. I am over educated and lack recent work history.  I respect women who work or return to work after having children. It is a huge balancing act of work and family. I tried it in March of 2008, it wasn't for me. It stressed me out and I missed my girls. 

Then there is bringing the girls back to homeschooling. It was always the goal to make sure they got the attention and instruction they needed to be successful.

Having them in school has been a huge learning experience. I volunteer in their classrooms and see what outside education has done for children. There are second graders who struggle to read. Smart kids who when I sat and read with a small group, they didn't even know how to try and sound out the words. I could see their frustration. I know our local public school is not a long term strategy for us.

Our loan modification came through, finally. With the guidance of a HUD counselor we started the process back in February. In July the bank agreed to let us enter into a 6 month 'trail' modification period, resulting in a lower monthly payment. If we could successfully complete the trial period they would modify our loan. There were no terms for our modification laid out. We had no clue what the end result would be. Although we were only 2 months into our trial period, the bank sent us paperwork to permanently modify the loan. They offered us a lower interest rate. Instead of the 6.25% we were paying, it was modified down to 3.75%. All the terms remained the same, 25 years left on the loan and same remaining principle.  Essentially we got a refinance without any closing costs lowering our monthly payment to be more affordable. We closed this week on the modified loan.

We are selling all the excess things we have accumulated over the last 20 years. Using the money to fund some changes we want to make in the house.

The first big step to show our commitment to sticking it out here was selling all our moving boxes. We have started hanging pictures on the walls. Soon we will be replacing the flooring in our living room, building storage in the garage and putting the drapes/curtains up. We will make this our home again. It feels good and we know it is what is right now.

2 John 6 (NIV) And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in his love.

Soon we will address the best direction for our girls schooling. One thing at a time.

© 2012 www.obsessedanalyst.blogspot.com All Rights Reserved.